Two: Vulnerab(are)lity.
I believe in the world as in a daisy,
Because I see it. But I don’t think about it,
Because to think is to not understand.
The world wasn’t made for us to think about it
(To think is to have eyes that aren’t well)
But to look at it and to be in agreement.
- Alberto Caeiro from 'A Little Larger Than the Entire Universe: Selected Poems.'
I once read that, to be vulnerable is not a monster. It’s a word, singular. And sometimes it aches. And twists. And turns. The trick is to not let it consume you.
Not let it consume you? Easier said than.
Oh the bareness of the self and soul when the world you built is slowly crumbling down. Soon, you can't help but to always open up to suppression and to always feel, yes vulnerable.
There's always something about naked cakes and bakes that reminds me of you, vulnerability. You're so bare, and naked and nude. And yet you're so still and relaxed, and come what may. But little do you know, I always fear for you. I fear that you will not turn out the way I visioned you to be. I fear for the inequality (read: uneven frosting) you may face; the unavoidable slits and cuts that life (read: beads, florals, cake crumbs, balls of chocolates) may randomly throw at you.
But I need you to know that I'll be there.
I'll be there, to always try to slowly smoothen you out no matter how long it takes, well-equipped and ready with more sweetness of things and life you completely deserve in this world, all in the name of Love.
And so I thought I couldn't make it through the first year in. I was lost and uninspired after two trying semesters, and I wanted to give it up. I wanted to give it all up, as I couldn't completely grasp what I was learning and being thrown at every. single. day. It was really tough, and I was dreading this journey to the West whilst indefinitely am mentally exhausted.
What was I supposed to do? Should I give it another shot? Was it even the right decision in the first place? Was I even in the right state of mind when I accepted it? What exactly did I do? What exactly did you just do to yourself, Linah?
But deep down, no matter what the circumstances were, I knew that I didn't have the heart to give it all up. There's always a part of me that was still pushing through despite it all.
Always finish what you started, I had to constantly remind myself. Remember your purpose and I think you should start proving your own self-worthiness too, Linah.
And no surprises, of course I stayed on. I got promoted to the second year, but I was still very apprehensive. My vulnerability was at its peak, and just when I thought I couldn't do it anymore, He showed me the light. This other light of mine, was an unexpected one. Amidst all the academic rigour, this unexpected light found me.
This light, managed to open up my possibilities and capabilities. This light, guided and opened up my eyes to the world, to always discover and be discovered.
Now that I'll be in my third year in, this light, has successfully - albeit indirectly and cluelessly - helped strengthened me to find me - both academically and also, as a person of faith.
It was only through this unexpected light, that I finally found my niche. It was like a calling, second year in, though only halfway through the first semester. It may be slightly too little too late, but definitely, I felt that it was better late than never.
So I guess what I'm trying to drive at today is, it truly doesn't matter if life doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to be right this instant. The world, wasn't made for us to think about it. It's okay to always feel so naked and insecure amidst all your chaos and cracks and cuts. Because just like these pâte à choux, you're not baked to smooth perfection.
And look, you're also almost never always alone. The light that you're currently searching for endlessly, will come amidst your struggles. It will come. It wouldn't be a direct calling, of course. You have to be vigilant and figure it out yourself. Else, life wouldn't be this hard, yes?
Ever since then, my academic life has been pretty enthralling. Despite the unnecessary academic rigour, this life has been manageable. It definitely is not easy and never will be, but this life, I think, is currently good enough to help me continue to comprehend and search for the true meaning of life and Life.
So here's to you, the struggling soul.
Remember, when you have found your light, hold on to it tightly. Things don't happen without a reason and we don't meet people by accident in this life. We will come across people who are supposed to remind us of the path we are supposed to be going down.
And yes, though inevitably the light may fade out someday, you will come to realise that you can never be apart from the lingering shadows. Because undeniably, it was/is only through the power of this light, that will keep leaving a lasting change inside your soul.
